So Alone So Afraid
by smithyfan
Summary: Oneshot. Smithy didn’t tell her his feelings and she killed herself. 3 years later he finds an unopened letter he had lost.


**Disclaimer - All characters and settings are the property of Thames TV**

**A/N Some lines borrowed from a poem I read. Smithy didn't tell Kerry his feelings and she killed herself. 3 years later he is cleaning out his desk and finds an unopened letter he had lost.**

Smithy pulled the draw out of the desk. Why was he such and untidy person? As he sifted through the various papers an envelope caught his attention. He opened it curious not recognizing the printed writing on the front. As he unfolded the paper inside his heart stopped. He instantly recognized the handwriting. A script he hasn't seen for years. Three years next Tuesday he thought as he opened the letter and began to read:

Smithy,  
I feel so alone and so afraid  
Like nothing has ever gone my way  
I think of everything I've messed up  
Everything I've failed  
Everyone I've failed  
The Job, Gina, Luke, Cameron, you the list is endless  
I sit here wondering about the days gone by  
As I sit here and cry  
No one seems to care  
Everyone just stares  
I can't help it, the way I feel Smithy  
No one seems to see  
The sadness that lays way beyond my smile  
You were the only person  
I thought maybe you would see it.  
The sadness in my eyes  
But that piercing green is so blind

I feel so betrayed  
I've lost sight what I'm living for  
It isn't worth living anymore more  
Not without you.  
Nobody would even care if I were to die  
It feels like there's no one to talk to  
No one seems to care  
I don't know why I'm even here anymore  
I just hurt people  
I leave a trail of madness behind  
I've really messed up Smithy  
I cocked up my marriage  
I messed Cameron around  
And look what I did to you  
And that bank manager I failed  
Everyone was so caught up with the "allegation"  
No one listened to you,  
Cameron confronted me  
The bomb exploded,  
He died,  
And it was my fault  
He died because of me.

Is this the right thing to do  
I can't believe I'm even thinking about killing myself

What's happened to me Smithy?

What's happened?  
There's gotta be another way out  
There's gotta be a different way  
I can't even think anymore  
Is it right  
Or is it wrong  
Will I go to heaven Smithy?  
Will I be forgiven for everything I've done?  
How will I ever know  
I wanna end my life  
I wanna end it now  
I can't cope  
Just to get it over with  
Never have I felt such pain  
Bearing into my soul  
And all that's in me  
Is looking, looking for a reason  
Waiting for some one to save me  
Waiting for you to save me.

It's hopeless, you don't want me  
No one wants me  
I'm sorry Smithy  
For putting you through everything  
I'm sorry for everything that I've done  
I do love you even if you may not feel the same  
There just isn't any other way.  
I'm sorry  
I just wanted to say is I do love you I always have  
Ever since… but let's not go there.  
And I'll miss you even if you don't miss me

I wonder how long before they find me  
Lying cold on the ground  
No life within me  
Left here to die..  
I feel bad about the paperwork I'm going to cause!  
Ironic isn't it my last tribute to the job  
My death.

I hope you don't have to deal with it.  
But you won't. I know the MET too well  
They'll sweep it under the rug  
"Imagine the headlines" they'll say  
They'll send it over to Barton Street to "process"  
People at Sun Hill are "too involved"  
I'll just be a record on the database  
Okaro will give his speech of course.  
She was a good officer blah blah blah  
She'll be missed blah blah blah.  
If anyone needs to talk blah blah blah  
No one will. They don't care  
He never means it anyway.  
Hah now I'm a good copper.  
Now I figure it all out.

Sorry I'm twittering  
But its too late  
This is it  
My minds made up  
No more goodbyes  
This is for real  
I'm sorry Smithy I'll love you forever.

Smithy put the letter down. Tears pouring down his face. He couldn't stop them. She loved him. And he had let her die. He stood up and walked out of the station leaving the letter on his desk. Gina shocked at the sight of her sergeants tear stained face came out of her office and followed him out of the door.

"Smithy?" she called but he ignored her as he climbed into his car. She back tracked to his office and seeing the letter on his desk picked it up and read it.

As Smithy stopped his car he climbed out and walked over to the engraved headstone.

Hear lies Kerry Young

23 Years of age

Loving daughter

Brilliant friend

And one hell of a copper

He knelt down by the grave remembering the last few paragraphs:

I hope you don't have to deal with it.  
But you won't. I know the MET too well  
They'll sweep it under the rug  
"Imagine the headlines" they'll say  
They'll send it over to Barton Street to "process"  
People at Sun Hill are "too involved"  
I'll just be a record on the database  
Okaro will give his speech of course.  
She was a good officer blah blah blah  
She'll be missed blah blah blah.  
If anyone needs to talk blah blah blah  
No one will. They don't care  
He never means it anyway.  
Hah now I'm a good copper.  
Now I figure it all out.

Sorry I'm twittering  
But its too late  
This is it  
My minds made up  
No more goodbyes  
This is for real  
I'm sorry Smithy I'll love you forever.

Her wish came true. He hadn't dealt with it. The pain was still fresh all these years on. He couldn't deal with it, it was too hard. Here was something "Super Sarge" couldn't handle. He felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned to see Gina. Sympathtic wasn't her thing but he saw she knew how hard it was for him.

"You're right he didn't mean it. But I needed to talk. There was no one. She left me." Turning back to the grave beside him he whispered knowing she could hear him "You'll never just be a record Kerry, not to me, I love you."


End file.
